Wisdom Visions  
Wisdom Visions
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by Gill Schwartz


(Facilitated by Susan Wisehart, M.S., LMFT)


To begin this procedure, Susan guides me back to my last incarnation, that I know well. This is Kalananda, a prior incarnation of my spirit. He was a monk in Southern India during the last century or two. His name means "The Bliss of Darkness". The goddess Kali's name is a form of this same word.

He had been active in my life from early on. I was drawn to Indian music and philosophy, and as a young man I studied and professionally danced classical Indian dance. In my thirties, I was drawn to study Yoga. I was pleased to realize that I wasn't learning, but recalling. Before long I was teaching Yoga myself.

Later, I was keenly aware of Kalananda's presence during my years in India. One of the many instance of Kalananda's presence there was on my first train trip to Tamil Nadu in Southern India, where I was drawn to spent most of my time. I heard his voice say, with great pleasure, as clearly as if I were inwardly speaking to myself, "Now we are going home."

He'd been a recluse monk, a sanyasi who lived in a cave as an ascetic. During much of my time in India, I was also drawn to live as a monk, long hair and beard, celibate and wandered from one end of the country to the other. Colander considered himself separate from and above others, a chosen one, a twice-born Brahman. He preferred his solitude above other's company or other distractions. A mendicant, a beggar monk, he would see others only out of the necessity of getting food in exchange for his services as a teacher, healer and intuitive guide.

As my witness awareness connected with his under Susan's guidance, the first thing I noted was his hurt and resentment at not being known for who he really is, personally. He was treated well for what he could do for others, but didn't feel recognized, really known or opened to as a person. This created a resentment in him and further distanced him from others. I feel the clenching in his body, in his heart.

"What does his heart want to say?" Susan asks me.

"I want you to know that I am one of you," I answer weeping softly. "You treat me special. But special apart. I want you to know that I'm of the same nature that your are. But I've found what we are all seeking. That is the point I want you to know. That I've found what we're all seeking and know that all of you have that same possibility, that same right.

"Setting me apart, though it is on a pedestal, it alienates us, it breaks us apart so that the radiant Light can't easily flow through us all," I tell Kalananda's audience.

"That apartness hurts. It hurts," I moan to Susan and clasp my heart Chakra. "To be accepted by them, to be one of them, would give the Radiance clear channels to flow through all of us." I burst into heavy sobs of painful frustration.

"I have an image of a luminescence spinning above me. Very bright and rainbow refracting," I report to Susan. "Somehow it carries the same energy message that I feel such hurt over. As this Radiance descends, it strives to have access to every one, to be able to radiate through everybody. But most are closed to It, numb and confused." I gasp with the force of that realization.

After some time absorbed in this torrent of frustration at their delusion, Susan guides me to the next focal point in that lifetime.

"I'm bathing in a sacred river. Sacramental bathing, using hallowed gestures to pour the water over myself. I feel myself as part of the river. Part of the flow. I feel a release from that last suffering into a sense of complete non-attachment, all giving over to the flow.

"This is the ideal that I carry. That this same experience I'm having in this holy river, I want to be alive enough to have with humanity. To feel the God current flowing though us all." I gasp with that image. Much of what follows is said in profoundly felt, sometimes pleading tones.

"That yearning is so deep in my heart, it's not hard to understand why I have such anger at humanity, not just at individuals. Because they close off to this Treasure offered them. They turn and run away from It. And it's so urgent for me to be connected to It."

"Where do you hold that anger?" Susan asks.

"Here, in my heart," I whisper. "Such a blasphemy to live that way. I feel release when I recall the feeling I had teaching kids. When you could look into their eyes and see they're just there. Clear. There's no buffering or protection. Their souls are right there," I exclaim with honoring awe.

"That's what I want for me too, always. That's what I want for others. But that innocent self gets so damaged and buried under our hurts and defensive confusions. Even so, we can experience that Flow moving through us. Each one. My heart longs for each one to know... That they are God! We all are God!, "I exclaim with devout longing. "God wants to be them and God is joyful in being them. And they should know that. It is their birthright! Without it, they loose so much. They loose the point of everything.

"Maybe I'm feeling God's hurt too. For not being able to fully be each one of them. For every one of them to know..."

After a long reflective pause touched with my sighs, "I don't even know if it's about forgiving them. It's more a call for my heart to be open to others, to God, regardless. Regardless!" I mutter, feeling daunted.

"Yes. Exactly. Beautiful," Susan affirms with enthusiasm. "Is there anything holding you back from doing that?"

"What holds me back? Just my own defensive and judgmental human creature social self. But the Heart inside my heart declares, "Whatever you think they are, whatever they think they are, they are still who they truly are. They are still God. They are still this Me inside your own heart."

Thinking of them in that Knowing always would bring the compassion I'd need to treat them in that way. So that there's at least one person walking around who can look into others eyes with that Knowing..." I weep long and heavy with that overwhelming realization of compassion.

"And that's what this Heart inside my heart knows, that anytime anyone says "I", they can only mean their god-self, their spirit. There's nothing else there with the consciousness to declare "I". That's the only part of us that really has reality. I know that's true for me. But its not going to be utterly real for me till I can see that its true for everybody."

Susan asks me, "So, what is it you want to do with this?"

"I need to be anchored in that Truth. I need to be merged and melded into it ," I say with slow emphasis, "so that nothing else disturbs it or hides it from me. So that anytime I hear or think the word "I", for myself or for anyone else, that my heart and mind open to the Truth that it means God. And everything else is just passing appearances.

I understand that this is Kalananda's spiritual calling. And mine.

"I feel how this strengthens the Heart inside my heart," I tell Susan. I chant the Sufi "Praise be to God" in Arabic for a bit under my breath.

"I'm told, by my high self or a guide, that now is the time to recognize the delusions I live with. Pretending to be the limited human of my conditioned egoic self rather than this Truth I've had so many glimpses of." I have strong, shuddering energy releases at this coursing through my body, and burst into shouts and chuckles. Then I grow solum and close in on myself. "But I don't know if I'm ready to open to all this. I'm not feeling 'No', but its all so close to overwhelm. It calls for a step into nothingness. Knowing assures me that if I can keep my heart connected with that Truth, then everything else I experience can be known as refractions off that Light, off that Reality. Physical reality is not exactly a delusion from this view, though very apparent, it is too obviously ephemeral to rest in, to take too seriously.

"You know what I am afraid of though," my conditioned egoic social self comes to awareness and comments to Susan, "is that living in that Truth, I'll become completely a derelict. Like everything else would seem so insubstantial I wouldn't take care of my worldly needs."

"Is that what happened in that past life?" Susan asks me.


"Let's move to the next scene of importance in that life," she suggests and does the induction. My breathing shifts to long releasing sighs.

"Where are you?" Susan asks.

"In my cave," I answer her sadly. "I'm old and I'm dying. And I'm still so set in that way of thinking that I don't even know I can call out for others to be with me, to nurture me, to help me through. Total solitude. Total alienation. My spirit is relieved and ready to leave the flesh and journey. But my human self feels rejected and discounted. Yet this delusion of being separate and apart from others is so substantial that even this pain isn't enough to break through it, to ask for help, for solace.

"What are your final thoughts?" Susan asks gently.

"Well, I'm relieved at finishing with the latter anguish of this life. And, with all the richness of what I was called to experience and share, especially my devotional and teaching life, there's a bitterness, an unrequited longing that I know now can never be taken care of. I didn't do all that I came to do."

I leave the body of that past life with a long raspy sigh. Susan and I pause in that release a while afterwards.

Finally, Susan asks if I'm ready to leave that life as Kalananda and to come back fully to my present life. Though filled with unresolved turmoil, I agree and she does an induction to help me do so.

It takes me some while to come back fully into the present. It isn't easy to detach from Kalananda's soul, still taken with the wonder of his heart's Heart, bewildered at what to do with all I've experienced of that lifetime.

I'm suddenly taken into another visionary state, with no intention of my own. "A multitude. A multitude," I describe to Susan. "There is a multitude of kindred spirits who volunteered in the same pre-birth Calling as myself. They're hovering in a semicircle about me, half in Light, half in Shadow. They have total understanding of what I've just been through in that lifetime. They feel what I felt with understanding and joy."

I chuckle. "They're reminding me that whatever my failings and disappointments with that lifetime might be, or with the one I'm in, it is still all about 'I', about God yearning to manifest as and through each one of us. All of it. All of it. All of it. I still need to know there is no Truth but God in every cell of my body as well as my mind and heart. This is the true splendor of being a human being, when filled with God."

There's a long silence touched with my sighs and moans. I feel deep peacefulness and scary wonderment. Now it is a process of letting this all permeate throughout me, letting all the parts of me absorb it. It doesn't feel so much like changing things as about leaving it all as it is and attending to turning around in the deepest center of my being. It's about coming to perceive everything in this completely fresh way."

Yearning to really learn that, the session ends.


5/14/02 After briefly exploring another past life recall, Susan guides me into higher, spiritual realms of being.

"What does it feel like there?" she asks me.

"I imagine its like how a cloud might feel if had self-consciousness. I feel very diffuse, without substance, but at the same time there's still a sense of self identity and cohesiveness." I laugh. "It's so hard finding the right words to describe this. I mean there's still some sense of me. Though, on some level, there's no difference between me and any other cloud-like shape floating around me here." I realize this is the Realm of the Heavenlies.

Susan continues an acknowledging hum through all this.

"There is a Center, a Source Light keeps opening and evolving, as if it is very alive and going through some process, I feel a presence. Though very spiritual, almost angelic, this doesn't feel like the presence of someone else. It comes to me that I'm sensing my High Self, because he feels very familiar and very comfortable. Much more than just comfortable. But at the same time," some tension comes into my voice. "there's something about this. It's not frightening, but knowing this is my real self, my true Self, recognizing that his qualities, open and sparkling with the Light dancing through them, are my true qualities, that's what overwhelms me. I feel trepidation at giving over to this greater Self that doesn't have the same restrictions and guidelines or sense of self that I do.

" But, beyond those fears and limitations, I am drawn into merging with that Higher Consciousness, . This recalls a sense I had when I first started exploring into my heart. And all I felt was a sinking of emptiness in its center. But I knew it wasn't a void but an emptiness that lay beyond my emotional grasp. That's what it feels like in this Higher Consciousness. Spacious emptiness beyond my comprehension. Potent with possibility. Not just in quality but character.

"Now this Higher Consciousness is trying to 'explain' something to me, if that's the right word, to help me to 'get' his nature. He doesn't go through my thinking mind, but more like deep intuition. He shows me..." I moan as this awareness surges through me, "how engaged he's been with me throughout my life. So many facets of his presence, all at once, of his constant guidance, provision and devotion..

"The human self reporting all this doesn't have the necessary consciousness and struggles to comprehend the teaching that it is not a matter of incidents, of this or that happening or not, I try to explain. All of those considerations, from my High Self's view, separates things. For him, there isn't any separation. But, from this me self, I still see things in the context of cause and effect, need and fulfillment, dreams and despair, and those paradigms that for him, are not realities at all.

"As a possible means of transcending these treacherous dualities, my High Self is now trying to get across to me how to navigate through Eternity. Although everything is present there, all at once, its important to know that there are still ways of maneuvering through it. Then its not so much a matter of trying to accomplish things, that is my usual way of responding to life's challenges. Navigating in that Real is more in the way of evolving spiritually. Things happen and get done, but that's not the focus. The focus is this self-evolving into alignment with my High Self."

"Another torrent of Light pours down through me as I'm brought into resonance with it. I gasp with forceful elation. Then I'm quiet some long while, joyfully basking in this treasured at-onement.

"There's stuff happening in my heart, in response to all this," I report to Susan. "I can't tell what it is. I don't know if its something opening or trying to break free."

"What does it feel like?" she asks.

"It feels like a clenching, like a fist here, in the center of my chest. I don't think its in response to this contact with my High Self. No, I realize I its more about recognizing that it's clenched that way all the time. Now my High Self is telling me it doesn't have to be clenched any more. Things are very different now. I don't need to always be on guard." I moan with release.

"Now my High Self is trying to explain something else to me about my true identity. Here is a key to this fist, this clenching in my heart. Who I think I am, it explains, is what defines how I experience all that happens to me. So now I'm putting things in terms of that clenched heart, interpreting my whole life in that fearful, defensive gesture.

"The fearlessness of my High Self's way is hard for me to grasp. It's threatening. Bewildering. I experience the same identity in him as in me. But the context is so totally different. That's what he's trying to get across to me, to help me to open to this process more. Merging with it, I don't loose my identity, he assures me, but I do experience things in their wholeness because they're held so differently."

Susan gives an affirming hum.

"High Self brings to mind the episode when Jesus asks Peter, "Who do you say I am?" That expands my choice of identity to which self, which manifestation of Self do I say I am." Strong shudders and sighs go through me. "High Self is being playful with me to help me accept this knowing. It takes me through imaging as if God were in different containers. In me. In you. In everything. I see that the packaging doesn't limit or detract from God. It just gives Him a different vessel, a variety of means. High Self is reminding me of my prayer practices this morning. Lots of devotion, ecstasy and visions. "That was God," he assures me. "That was God in and through you. That is an especially clear example, but its true all the time."

"I'm confronted with the numbness, that clenching in my heart that resists taking in what he's saying, very, very clearly. That resistance is really my way of not taking my life in. Is this a calling to dissolve this barrier, this separation. I don't know if I'm to merge with my High Self or just recognize that we're not different from each other. But I sense there's a total shift in my realization of these things on the other side of my numbness." I hum softly for a bit in painful frustration.

"Its like trying to see something with the blind spot in you eye," I moan.

"Can you ask your spirit guide," Susan suggests, "if there's a way for your to heal through this, so that you do have more responsibility for your life?"

"My High Self, my helpers, my comrades in the Council of Light, they're all reassuring me, that there's nothing that needs to be changed. One of my helpers, Crazy Owl, with his bazaar humor, says, "All he really needs is a good flushing out." And he and some of his celestial helpers attach something like a garden hose to my Crown Chakra. They are going to "flush me out." Crazy Owl says there's nothing else that needs doing, so I'm just going to let them do their work."

To keep the focus I prize most, I chant "Gate, gate, paragate parasumgate Boddhi svaha" (Gone, gone, truly gone, truly far gone to the great Awakening)," while jolts of energy, sighs and cries sear through me. The smoke-like substance they're using to circulate through me feels comforting. Though its very diffuse, its of a quality that dissolves and washes the beehive of partitions out of my soul. Its a little unsettling to observe how painlessly it sweeps away so many constructs and pretends that had seemed so primary to my being. Crazy Owl just watches and gets a big kick out of the whole thing while his helpers pitch in where they see any restrictions or blocks in the flow and help open them up. This leaves me more and more able to consciously rest in my whole being.

While this is going on, my High Self is still trying to further explain things to me, things I know in my mind, but now I'm experiencing them as he illustrates.

"Like the words Om or Allah. Those words aren't holy in themselves. They're holy because God fills them at the prayers of the devotees." He's telling me to understand that this is about me too. Not about me, who and what I am --this container-- or any of its characteristics. Its because God fills it that makes it sacred." As I accept this knowing more fully into my being, the helpers are able to flush through me more deeply.

I chuckle to myself. "I'm getting a sense on how many part of me are going to have a hard time digesting this," I tell Susan.

"Is there any other place your guides could take you or another experience to share with you in spirit time?" Susan asks me.

"They tell me that there's a quick access point to being with them in this Realm. They want to solidify that access way through the center of my heart (the Heart within my heart). I would love that, so I'm going to let them do that work on me now.

"Meanwhile, my High Self is trying to get me to grasp something more of this, more than grasp... He's trying to get me to experience this. There isn't any difference between Being and Love. They are the same thing." He really wants me to carry this recognition with me all the time. That would keep that access way between us through the center of my heart open and flowing. It would heal me from sealing it shut with my fear and defensiveness.

"It puts everything in a different context, because its not a matter of something being more or less appropriate or desirable. Its really just a matter of, if it Is..." I break up into gaspy laughter. "Its all there."

Susan hums consolingly.

"Maybe it is God talking through my High Self, or him talking for God, but it has that sacred depth to it. High Self tell me he wants me to comprehend that if something has being, whatever form or mode it may be, it is filled with His love. It Is His love." I moan and gasp as I open to this torrent of universal love. "And he's telling me this in here," I touch my heart Chakra in the center of my chest, "Not in here," I touch my forehead.

After some long heavy sighs, I settle down. "Okay, brother," Crazy Owl laughingly comments, "we'll let you live with that for a while. Next time we'll take it up from there." He chuckled with anticipation.

Susan laughs with approval.

"My guides have one more understanding for me. The problems I have are that I believe in my own confusions and disbelieve my wisdom. I suddenly remember that I had drawn a portrait of my High Self and my anger-pain contorted human face years ago. Something in me wants to discount how long all this has been known to me. But there it is, a confirmation of High Self's known presence in my life and not as some far off mystery and unknown.

"My Council of Light assures me that spiritually, I'm already sitting with them. All this sense of myself as limited and confused only blocks my vision of who I really am and what Is. So they want me to stay with all this we've just shared to integrate it. Feeling very much their comrade, with their love and support, I celebrate in joy.

"Now, all of us are bowing in homage. My helpers, my Council of Light, my High Self, all of us bow to the One beyond all form and name. He knows. He knows.


10/23/02 Susan guides me back through the years of this lifetime, then back through my gestation to the before birth Realm. I see that place filled with cloud-like beings floating about awaiting incarnation. Then Susan guides me up to burst through a membrane into a higher, luminescent Realm.

She suggests that I find my soul group here, other spirits that I share the intentions and destinies of my pre-birth oath with the Angel of the Presence Metatron to help manifest God's love in this desperate time.

I do and report to Susan. "I find myself in the center of a circle of them --half in Light, half in Shadow-- 12 to 15 other beings. They have very distinct individualities that I seem to recognize, but they have no evident physical features. Clearly sensed although not seen, I imagine them in flowing, radiant robes. I wonder as I glance around at them, how many of them are also physically incarnated now as I am. Above the center of our circle, just above my head is an incredible Radiance descending to us from some much higher Realm yet. Beams blaze from out round it and flow down through the tops of each of our heads gathered in this circle. It is both a Source and an Eye and It both radiates and perceives through us.

"I feel welcomed and known by my empathic comrades here and I openly share with them what I glimpse of my life's unfolding. Here is my soul group. I prayerfully ask for their help and guidance in my efforts at being more fully incarnated. They grow engrossed conferring with each other about this and I experience the beam of Light above our circle intensify through my head, expanding my being out more fully into my body and limbs.

"This intensifies the sense of my physical self. It also creates a boundary, a containment around my body. Though of a subtle vibration, this shield feels protectively loving. It has wonderful powers of filtering and deflecting so that I can feel safer with my heart's openness and vulnerability.

"A major concern in my worldly life comes to mind and I ask my spiritual confreres what I should do for livelihood. I'm shown my human self radiating this Light as I dance, moved by its celestial music. Those beings who receive this music I beam are nurtured, healed and evolved. And I know great fulfillment in this calling.

"I grow aware that many of us are also experiencing similar fulfillments as I am in other forms and dimensions," I tell Susan. "This lets our spirits receive the fullness of being as the Light slowly lowers and draws us to interlace with It, our fullness of being with Its. In thus merging with It, each of us experiences, 'I and the Father are One.'"

This is the fulfillment of all I'd prayerfully asked for from this session -fuller incarnation and containment, a promise of a fulfilling livelihood and a deeper merging with Source. The session ends with tears of gratitude streaming from my eyes.


6/26/02 Susan guides me through an induction to the Between Lives Realm.

"There are other beings around me," I share with her when I arrive there.

"And how do they appear to you?" she asks.

"I have no interaction with them. The sense is they're involved with my being here although they're just watching me. It's a very supportive attention they give me. I don't see any clear forms, but there's still a sense that there's individuals there. I'm picking up memories of their forms."

"Do they appear to you as light," Susan asks me, "or energy?"

"Energy forms," I say uncertainly. "But the frequency is so high its hard to tell if its energy or light. There is the memory of form that's sort of imposed on that. Now I'm being moved into higher Realms, more spacious and diffuse. My senses are more subtle. My awareness is more expansive. I'm aware of unusual happenings in my heart Chakra. I don't know if its being worked on, or it its just responding to being in these supple and transcendent Realms. It feels like its encumbered in some way. There's a density about it that isn't right in these Worlds."

"And what is it needing?" Susan asks.

"The sense is that I'm still carrying a kind of protective containment around my heart, even there, a defensiveness from my physical incarnation. This heart clenching, seen from this elevated consciousness, seems to be the crux of the pains and difficulties in my day-to-day life. The Knowing is that in these Realms its not only not needed, but it blocks, restricts my full opening to what is here for me. How can I connect fully with God without a completely open, undefended heart." I'm deeply grieved at realizing this.

"Crazy Owl and some others have come to help me deal with this."

"Good," Susan comments. (As I relate the following, she continues to support and encourage me with 'hum', 'yes' and 'uh-hu' interspersed when I pause.)

"I ask them what are the issues here for me, and the word 'trust' seems to come up the most in their discussing it. Now they're doing an energetic sweep over my heart Chakra, helping me release that sense of defendedness, of the need for protection, so I can be more open and trust more deeply.

"They're trying to explain to me how I hold this in place by being attached or identified with certain feeling states that hold an attitude, a way of looking at things. My usual critic judgment of others locks me into defensiveness against the retaliation that's sure to come. Crazy Owl tells me that as I'm able to feel more deeply, I'll be more at ease with things. I won't need the defensive stance I hold in my heart.

"Now I'm again seeing my High Self. He is like that picture I drew, warmly compassionate and wise, above and surrounding me. He's trying to communicate to me what my end of all this is about. I try to grasp his perception, but my mind can't help but simplify it too much. But there is a sense of being able to release that defensive clenching by recognizing that its not important any more. I'm investing myself in something that really doesn't matter to me any more.

He gives me a soul-sense of this call to let go of these habitual patterns and defenses with a comparison to the experience of dying before you die. And maybe that's what this is, on my egoic self's level. He help me to understand that it truly is not a dying. Its just a trustful release in recognition that of what no longer belongs in my reality anymore. With that my heart does feel a lighter too, more open.

"Like I said, everybody is around, High Self and his helpers. But I don't know if they're actually doing anything, very much on a sideline, just holding an intention for me to do what has to be done by me. But there's still something I'm not getting, that isn't complete. I ask for more help and guidance, and they can only repeat that they're doing everything they can, but I'm the one that has to understand this because I'm the one to act on how I get it. They can't do it for me. I'm the one in the body.

"I ask my High Self what needs to be done. He images into my awareness the gesture of a disembodied hand reaching in and taking my heart out of me. It is painless, no discomfort at all, no shock, no fear, it takes my heart out of me and places it up on a tall pedestal-like altar, still beating. I offer my heart. Seeing it outside of me like this, I'm not as bound up with it, not as identified with it. Being less attached to it and able to recognize that it is apart from the rest of me, I realize I don't need to be identified or possessive about it. I feel relieved as I see my beating heart out there.

"I'm reconnected with our session when I picked up my infant self just after his birth and took him into my heart. He spent a long time gestating there like in a womb. Then I saw him fully formed, standing with his arms and legs open. And now, as I offer my heart up on this altar, I'm told that this is his birthing. Now he's ready to have a life of his own. And offering my heart there is part of giving him a life.

"There's more clear awareness about the difference of how I hold my heart makes too. Do I hold it protectively, encased inside that fearful clenching? That keeps me locked in that world view, keeps me identified with my personality self, my history of hurts, wounds and disappointments. But when I put it out there on the altar it takes me up to a different perspective and lets me experience myself much differently. Freer, more spiritual.

"But I don't think that really is my heart out there though. There are things happening in my chest that I know are my heart, my real heart. I'm not sure what that is out there -a layer of my heart, scars of things that happened to it- but that doesn't feel authentic like this one that's left does."

"Yes, right. It's like that one out there is holding the burdens and heaviness of your history," Susan says, reaffirming what I've shared. "So, when its inside you, it takes over, its heaviness and burden."

"Right. And its restrictions," I gasp, recalling how tight they usually are.

"Its restrictions," she affirms. "So when you offer it up, that clears a space for your authentic heart, you true heart to be present?" she probs.

"Right! Absolutely! And the authentic heart is just a whole different level of things happening. This is an otherworldly sense of my heart."

"That heart that carries the burden, does it need to unburden and lighten its load?" Susan asks. "Is it carrying what it no longer needs to carry?"

"A couple of images came in response to that. One was a image of Job flat on his face in devout submission before the Lord, a gesture I always see part of myself in. Then there was strong guidance not only to put my heart on the altar, but to burn it there. That feels right, like an appropriate burnt offering. It doesn't feel hurtful or cruel."

"Yeh. Good," Susan agrees.

"So I'm going to stay with that," I tell her. During a long pause, I cry out to God a few times and sigh heavily. I inwardly watch as that same disembodied hand that took my heart out now cremates it. First it is covered with clarified butter (as a sacramental fuel) then brought to flame. I watch peacefully as it turns to ash, even while still beating.

"That was very good," I peacefully sigh, "and appropriate. Now this heart that's left in my body, the deeper heart, this opens the way for much more aliveness in it. Its much realer to me, more present. And there's no burden to it. Very, very different energy. There's a kind of adventurousness about it and the other poor heart felt so enslaved.

"I'm being reminded that its timely too. I'm 68. Ripe. I'm just giving thanks now," I told Susan and was silent for a bit.

"My High Self and Crazy Owl are the main ones who are here, and when I was thanking them, they gave a real sense of honoring me and recognizing that I have the empowerment to make the gesture that is called for. That's part of our co-creativity. That's our truth. I see that with all their caring capable help, there's some things that only I can do. And they're telling me that I'm able to do it too." I give a deep sigh of relief, than laugh and clap joyfully.

"And how does this relate with the Boddhisattva Vow?" Susan asks, something we'd talked of before.

"The Vow has always been very real in my deep heart, But there was no way to live it out of my surface heart. To the outer, human heart it was just another pointless torment and unfulfillable longing. So making the burnt offering means the Vow is also more exposed. It feels like it can be more easily fulfilled, can be manifest. And I understand its important for me, for anyone who carries such a Vow, to recognize the difference between the two hearts."

"Is there anything more they wish to share," Susan asks me.

I check in with my helpers and burst out laughing. "I just got a real warm cheering on," I tell her.

Susan asks if I'm ready to return to this lifetime and offers imagery to help me do so.



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